Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Vegetables, Colds, & The Bible

3


Have you seen the newest fad at Woolies? It's all about getting kids excited about fruits & veggies. My kids are pretty good in this area so I haven't really paid much attention to the whole thing, but when my kids spotted the plush toys inside they were pretty keen to spend some pocket money on vegetables wearing underpants. I mean, who wouldn't be, right? When I ordered groceries this month I surprised them each by purchasing them an additional underpants clad fruit.

Ironically while my kids are boating about the value of the fruits & veggies, in underpants, that they now own & how this one or that one is loaded with this or that vitamin the house is struck with a head cold. A pot of chicken soup was in order, & thankfully we had leftovers on hand when Mr S was struck down with the cold today. Struck down enough that I advised him not to go to work, & his workmates agreed they'd prefer he keep his germs to himself.

However, nothing is ever that simple is it? Plus, you're probably wondering what on earth these absurdities all have to do one with another, well I assure you they all cross paths here eventually..

Low & behold a work calamity struck & poor Mr S could do little about it from home. The phone rang & squawked like crazy as he tried to talk workmates through how to solve the problem, but by 6pm there was nothing left for it then to head into the office & fix it himself. Being wet, dark, & could out I suggested I drive him into town, plus I needed to restock on cold medicines.

So we dropped Mr S off at work, ran by the grocery, where the kids decided to purchase themselves each one more underpants clad vegetable. We quickly drove back across town to hang outside the office while we waited for Mr S, & while we waited the boys decided to retell the foretelling of John The Baptist's birth.

It started out okay with things like..

"Zachariah was in the temple praying when the angel of the Lord came to him, & .."

"Wait, you have to say he had a sword!"
"Who has a sword?"
"The angel!"
"Why?"
"All angels have swords! I saw it in a book. Just say he had a sword."

"Okay, fine. & the angel had a sword. He told Zachariah he was going to have a baby, & Zachariah screamed, "Me?! I'm a dude man!

The angel of the Lord shut Old Zachariah's mouth tight for that kinda talk."
"You know, I hope he doesn't get a cold until the baby is born, he might not be able to breathe!"
"What?"
"You know, when your nose is so stuffed up even picking it won't help, so if he got a bad cold & maybe had a fever, he'd die."
"Zachariah doesn't die in my story! That's now how hit happened."
"Yeah, but what if he'd gotten a cold!"
"He didn't. He didn't get a cold, he just got his mouth stuck shut."
"You know, I don't think God meant his mouth was really stuck shut, just that he couldn't talk. So I guess even if he did get a cold he'd be okay."
"Can I finish the story now?"
"Okay, but make the tomato be the baby!"

"So Zachariah went out & wrote his wife a note to tell them they were having a baby. She didn't believe him & then BAM she was pregnant. "Wow!" she screamed, "I'm pregnant, that was quick!" And then she decided it was time for the baby to come out & it did.

Everyone screams, "What's the baby's name, what's the baby's name!" & John takes a clay pot, smashes it on the ground, & grabs a wet quill. He writes, "The baby's name is John!" Everyone says, "Oh hello Baby John!!" Then Zachariah's mouth isn't stuck anymore, & he says.."

"Wait, I told you I don't think his mouth was really stuck shut! So you don't have to say that part."
"I'm telling the story!"
"I just think you shouldn't say that part. When does the broccoli get to come into the story?"

"Whatever, so Zachariah says, "God said our baby shall only eat grasshoppers & never have beer enter his lips."
"Why would a baby have beer? Did his parens own a pub?"
"No, I don't think so, they probably didn't have pubs back then."
"They had to have a pub, Jesus had wine."
"Never mind, let me finish the story before Dad comes!"
"Okay, but I want to see the broccoli in the story!"

"So Elizabeth says, "No problem honey & she runs outside & gets some wormy things & feeds the baby. "Yummy!" John squeals & asks for more. But then he sees all the other children drinking beer & he feels sad & says, "Mummy can I have beer too?" "Oh no, son you must never have beer, God says you can only have grasshoppers & honey."
"Wait, I don't think grasshoppers are worms. I think they are more like crunchy beetles."

""Here John have some crunchy grasshoppers!" "Thank you mummy these are way better then brussels sprouts! But I still want beer." "You can't have beer child so here have a honey drink instead & then we must go live in the desert until you are grown up enough. Oh why the desert it will be full of sand &.. Don't complain son, there will be plenty of grasshoppers out there plus internet so you can call your friends.""
"What?! They did not have electronics back then! You have to change that part of the story, that's just not right!"
"Okay, fine. So they go to the desert & eat honey drink & crunchy beetles until the time is right & then they come out & John offers to baptise people."
"Quick! Let him baptise the broccoli!!"
"Fine, he can baptise the broccoli if you promise to quit talking about broccoli!!"
"Oh, this is gonna be good!"

"So John baptises the broccoli with water, but it doesn't go so well & he says, "Oh dear, I'm sure I'll get better at this, would anyone else like a go?" But before he can do anymore the miserable good for nothing queen screams, "Give me his head!""
"What?! Wait, you never mentioned a queen in this story before. Where did she come from?"
"She obviously came from her mother, & she demanded John's head & since the broccoli was so angry about water in his nose he took the angel's sword & chopped it off."

"That's the worst ending to a story you've ever told! I mean how did he get the angel's sword?"
"Well, he's a broccoli he can do pretty much anything."


3 comments:

Multi-tasking Mama said...

That was SOOOO funny; cracked me up!

An Almost Unschooling Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
An Almost Unschooling Mom said...

That was certainly one of the most original retellings of the story of John the Baptist I've ever read. How much cold medicine had you taken?