Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Story Of A Baby..

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Many months ago we were having some work done on our garden. By garden I simply mean our entire yard. When we moved in to our current abode the garden was a mess & the only way to keep up with the various beds around the yard was to have them mulched. So, we hired a fellow, who if you're local is extremely good at his job, to weed & mulch our garden beds.

The only thing was that I never knew for sure when he'd show up. This wasn't an issue because he was content to work away if we were home or not, but if we were home he liked to let us know he was out & about in the yard.  So each day when I'd go off to have a morning shower, should I not get one in before the boys were up, I'd tell them that if the fellow came just to tell him I was busy & they'd let me know he was here.

One day, however, Jayden was in a right bother about the whole thing. Why couldn't he just tell this fellow I was in the shower? What difference did it make if he thought I was in the shower or just "busy". So he asked if he could tell the man something else entirely, like exactly what I was doing. To which I said absolutely not because I didn't want people wandering up to the door knowing exactly what I was busy doing. This went on for a few days until I finally said, "Fine, if he comes to the door you can tell him I'm feeding the baby." Jayden was delighted with this new plan. Unfortunately, for him, he never had to use the excuse.

Now, if you know Jayden you'll understand how deeply disappointed he was, & so it happened one day that while I was in the shower Nana called. Now, I confess I don't always answer the phone when Nana calls. This is not because I am ignoring my mother-in-law, but because often times I like to keep the forward rolling movement happening & I can return calls at a later time. However, one day while I was busy Jayden decided to answer the phone when Nana called.

He gave her a long song & dance all about how I was very busy feeding the baby. What baby could Mummy be feeding? Oh the little 2 year old she looks after, it's a bit naughty at times because it's a baby, but Mummy is very good at making the baby behave. Oh his story went on & on. He did everything but name this imaginary child he'd created. He told Nana what I was feeding the baby, which parts of the meal it liked, which parts it tried to throw, etc. He even went so far as to say, "Hold on Nana.." & pull the phone away from his face long enough to make a funny baby sound.

At which point I'd walked into the room & thought he was clowning around with the phone so I yanked it away from him & said, "Hello?" Nana told me she didn't want to keep me long as she knew I was very busy with the little one & understood how I'd probably be happy to get it laid down for a nap. My head was spinning because I had absolutely no idea what she meant. Jayden, however, knew exactly what she meant & was laughing so hard we couldn't get a word out of him.

Over the many months {a year actually now} that this happened "the baby" has been the excuse of a great many things going awry. Who used the last of the Peanut Butter? The baby. Who drank the last of the milk? The Baby, obviously. Who dropped legos all over the hall? Only a baby would do that! And on the list goes, it's quite lengthy this stuff the baby gets up to. I'm pretty sure it's on par with their imaginary friend Jimmy who's not made an appearance in a god 3 years now.

I'd like to say I'm glad Jimmy no longer shows face, but the last time he did was so hilarious I laughed for a week.  Jimmy called Jayden while we were on a walk & asked him to do all sorts of naughty things from giving his brother a wedgie to throwing rocks at the birds. Jayden told Jimmy, quite pointedly, how naughty he was & that he wouldn't let him come over to play anymore if he tried that kind of nonsense as Jayden was quite sure Mummy would get very angry. To which Jimmy, caught in the act, said, "It was my cousin, Jerry! He made me do it! I'd never do those horrible awful things. Please let me come over & play again!"

Now, you'd think all this nonsense about Baby & Jimmy would have been over & done with by now wouldn't you? After all Jayden is 10 now & he doesn't do the whole imaginary friend thing. But Jayden is, after all, Jayden. Except when he demands we call him Jack, because his initials spell out: JAC. I digress.. The point is while Jimmy & Jerry have gone off to help some other child along through dull & dreary days Baby has not.

This afternoon, after nursing a migraine, jotting down school plans for next year, & watching the umpteenth, rather corny, stop motion video the kids had made I confiscated the ipod. This always causes angst until I firmly say, "It is mine you know. Daddy did give it to me as a Christmas gift." Of course I pretend not to hear the, "But you gave it back to him when he gave you an iphone!" or the, "But you said it could be ours now!" Instead I generally slip it in my pocket to put an end to all craziness.

Not today. Today I decided to peek at it. For you see, there is always a heap of videos on the crazy thing because at least one of my children happens to think they are a lovely director of films. Are they? I really couldn't comment or Jimmy might come & get me & then i'd have to blame Baby for all the things that would unfold. The point is my children are incredibly naughty, at times, when they think no one is watching. Scarier yet, I sit there giving no heed to any of it.

What?! You don't believe me? Ahh, well I found so many films upon the ipod I decided to sort through them. Jayden had at least 3 tours of the house on it, he screamed CUT each time he entered the bathroom & realised no one had cleaned it up. I didn't check the dates, but I'm willing to be it was a M, W, or F, thus his day to take on said duty. I discovered that instead of saying rude things he just screams BLEEEEEEEP or makes a high pitched squeal. It doesn't matter if all he was going to say was "Shut up" or "stupid".  I discovered he's quite adept at sneaking up on his older brother who is, I discovered, often entombed in a pile of lego deep enough to be consider a choking hazard.

But the top of the iceburg was a video from only a few days ago when he'd decided to give a tour of the home. I'd share it here, but honestly he'd probably be highly embaressed & there's a few of those annoying BLEEEEPS or the camera shakes like mad, is tipped upside down, & in general made me seasick. Instead I shall attempt to do it justice by describing it.

It starts out in his own room where he offers a tour of our home. He claims it's the room where the director of all amazing films lives. He gets a close up of his brother on the floor surrounded by lego & says, "Except for this filthy horrible SCREECH lego mess."

He dashes down the hall & shows you the room I quilt in & Nana stays in when she visits. Upside down, of course. Then twirls the camera so fast I can't decide if my quilt blocks are falling off the ironing board or if I'm falling off my chair. Before I can decide he's running down the hallway again showing you the bathroom. It was my day to clean it & it's in beautiful shape complete with a freshly moped floor. He tells us it's the bathroom, his bathroom. He forgets he shares it with company & his brother. He flips the camera upside down to avoid putting a toilet clip in the film, thankfully. We've got enough videos with a filthy toilet in it to last us a life time. All though again I have the feeling I'm falling out of my chair.

Then he shows his brothers room & says, "I'm not suppose to be in here." At which point I hide a snicker. Then his lips are touching the camera screen & he says, "Shh, I'll show you where baby sleeps, but you must not tell anyone I showed you. You can't see the baby, that would be wrong as we might wake baby up. Mom would not appreciate that. I will show you where baby sleeps though."

He tiptoes into the spare room. trips over a couple of bicycles & then spins the camera as he attempts to move the giant Christmas star we never hung up last year. Then he leans forward points to a gaudy beanbag chair & says, "She's under there!" Then he backs up slowly & says, "Don't wake her up!"

Then a rather realistic baby cry starts & he stops dead, flashes to his face which is a look of horror & says, "We're in trouble now! It's okay though, I have an idea." He flashes away from his face & a horrific baby crying sound starts." He dashes all the way up our mile long hallway flashes the camera upon me, I was reading my Bible & totally ignoring him, & says, "Mom, the baby woke up! I'm really sorry about that, I know you are busy. I can tell you how it happened. It all begins with Morgan.." I never flinch. I never move. He gives up & shows my room to the camera instead.

And so I am left with only one thing to do.. I make a video myself & leave it upon the ipod. It doesn't take much effort. I simply tell them all I need their help with a little job & before I know it I have the house to myself where I can sneak off to my walk in closet & record a video. T

When he's all settled down in the lounge room reading his latest library book & he thinks he's safe I flip on the apple tv. I slip out & sync the ipod with the tv & allow my video to play. Moments later he's rolling on the floor screaming with laughter. I figure it's a complete success as I stand around the corner watching him. And then, just as I'm blowing the biggest nosiest raspberry at him I can, Mr S walks in the door looks around & says, "Ah, I see Mummy finally lost it then, huh?"

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