Monday, November 23, 2009

Camp Nano

Here at the Pumpkin Patch I've been up to my eyeballs in a whole lot of stuff this November. There's been all the Thanksgiving fun we're having, and really we are having fun. The kids are loving the crafts and falling in love with historical figures they've never met before. I can always tell when they really love a person we study because they ask if they can meet him and talk to him and ask him questions. There was also my birthday, in which my family blessed me with their normal crazy cards and a few fun gifts. I've been listening non stop to my new ipod nano. And yes, for your information, it is purple. What other color would have suited me anyway?! Then there's Camp Nano. Oh yes, I found time for camping this month. Most of which happened smack dab in the middle of my bed, or in crazy moments between when I should be sleeping and when I should be waking. It hasn't gone at all as I'd planned it to go.

I do that, you know. I plan lots of my writing out in my head. Not because I'm lousy at note taking but because it give me the ability to discuss it with myself. Now, I know you're thinking that really pushes me over the cliff of insanity, but the truth is I'm quite harsh when it comes to the fictional things that I write. I'm always questioning it's believability and I'm constantly editing and researching. I think it drives those around me crazy because all they want is to read one measly thing I've written, and I just keep saying things like, "When it's done." or "Not yet it's total trash."

Did you know that when Emily Dickenson died (and I'm not comparing myself to her) that her sister found 1800 poems in her room. Seriously! They were bound together in 40 hand sewn volumes. I found that amazing. She wasn't big on sharing her work, but not out of selfishness but rather out of the shyness. I understand that. I respect that. (Sis, don't bother looking for 1800 unpublished written works in my room when I die though.. they'll be on my Macbook!)

When people hear that you write they except everything you write to be amazing and awesome. You begin to wonder if the silly note you scribbled down was good enough to leave on the counter or should you just ditch it now before a well known pack rat comes along and saves it for all eternity. Oh, that may be extreme but how do you think we know so much about history? All those diaries people kept, all the tales people told form generation to generation.

I'd rather not be known for my constant and consistent inept ability to spell marshmallow with an a instead of an e. Or for constantly mixing up the letters in calendar. Which, for the record I seem to no longer do on both words. I mean there's only so many times you can cross out the same letters and rearrange them on the shopping list before even your kids start to question your ability to read and write.

Anyway, here comes (and nearly goes) another November in which I've participated in National Novel Writers Month (Nano) and I know it won't be long before I get the wistful pleas from my family wanting to read what I've written. This year my intention had been to write a fictional piece of work about a homeschooling family, but my plans went completely awry. Why?

Because I write best about the things that I know, that which I've experienced and felt. It's quite difficult to write about these things without putting a piece of you and those that were with you in them. Which always opens the curtain of my vulnerability. When I write about people there's always a pinch of someone I know that makes that character believable, and a larger dash of who they are always seems to creep in. This piece that I was working on was no different. I found pieces of many people I knew scattered in it and then, in an effort to make sure they were portrayed nicely, so I wouldn't be hated afterwards, I found that I was making my story sickly sweet. It screamed of fakeness and too much good and not enough bad.

The funny thing is, the characters people create are often changed in appearance and by the roles in which they are given within a story, and chances are none of the people in my story would have been found by their real life counter parts. But, there's always that nagging fear that someone will find me out and know I've recreated them into my story. In the end, to keep myself going this year I started writing down things that have happened to Mr Scarecrow, the kids, and myself. Things that were funny, especially now that we look back at them, even if they weren't funny when they first happened.

While it wasn't the original goal of my story I think it's been a great experience. I've enjoyed it. I've found that the words come easily and I've even been ahead of schedule with my writing. I've noticed that if I do fall behind it's quite simplistic to get caught up and pull ahead. Which means I keep going with it. I don't know that the end product will remain as it is or if I'll use this funny experiences in various stories or stick with my original idea or a combination of all of it.

So, now that I've revealed a whole lot of raw scariness about myself and my writing, used the word "so" too much, deleted a lot this post and then simply rewritten it I've also decided to share a part of what I've written. It's raw, because in Camp Nano we don't edit. (Kinda sounds like a motto doesn't it?) That's hard for me. I like to work in bits and pieces and to constantly fix things, especially when I hit a writing block or hurdle. However, I agreed to play by the rules of Camp Nano which meant no editing. Excuse the grammatical and typing errors you may (or may not) notice, and try not to judge me too deeply by what I've written.

In Which You Learn To Shop In Foreign Country

Many things one does on a weekly basis is grocery shopping. It can be a simple task, if you exclude the other shoppers around you, in most cases. However, learning to find items in a new grocery store can often be a small struggle, but even more so when you are living in a country who spells yogurt with an h.

My first shopping experience here was nothing short of harrowing, stressful, and breath taking. Mostly the first two, but I lost my breath a few times when I was attempting not to shout about the idiocy of stocking things so weirdly.

You see you take a normal shopping list to the store and you figure you’ll be all set right? Wrong. Things just aren’t located in their proper places. I mean who looks for eggs down the bread isle? Isn’t a health code violation of some sort to store eggs on the shelf instead of the fridge? This country gets HOT in the summer time, what happens then? Are you sure the eggs are really safe and food worthy?

Seriously, I considered never eating eggs again when we moved here, but then it became normal and we now consume eggs regularly. So much so that I no longer blink or think twice when I see them on the shop shelves instead of in the refrigerator section.

Then there’s broth. Why isn’t the broth down the same isle as the soups? Doesn’t this make logical sense? Shouldn’t they be in their own little section in this area? I can find every kind of soup known to mankind from pumpkin to corn but can I find broth? No. I’m about to scrap broth and change whatever flimsy meal needed it when I decide I’ll just ask where the broth is.

It’s down the gravy isle. They say this with every mark of confidence as if that’s 100% normal. Excuse me? Down the gravy isle? May I ask why? That’s just where they’ve always kept it so it makes sense. Do you use broth to make gravy with? Of course not they use the drippings from their lamb roasts. Don’t be silly you wouldn’t use broth for gravy.

Okay fine, I can accept that, but why on earth is the broth down there then? At this point the store employee began to feel annoyed and walked away leaving me wondering exactly which isle contained gravy and wondering if the gravy was canned or not. Not being a fan of gravy I was highly concerned.

I find the broth, down the gravy isle. The gravy is mostly boxes of powdered mix that require water. Which still left me wondering why on earth the broth was down that isle. The mystery remains.

I manage to survive the canned goods with only a few more back tracks. I contemplate what treacle is and if it will be as good as molasses is. I decide I’ll try it and deal with the consequences, good or bad, later. I’m miffed because they don’t sell Jiff peanut butter and their natural peanut butter has no nutty taste to it. I’m undecided on what to do. I give up and decide I’ll search out a health food store later, but then I realize the kids can’t survive without peanut butter for another 24 hours and I grab something that boasts a roasted peanut taste and that has a very low sugar reading on the back.

I make it to the dairy section and begin to wonder why no one told the fool who made the yogurt sign that they spelled it wrong. I’m standing there staring at it when a few people ask if I need help. I realize I must look as though I don’t know how to read. I tell them no and start to examine the yogurt.

My husband turns up. I point out the sign with a bit of a giggle. He looks at it and shrugs. I figure he’s far more polite then I am. Then I realize that half the pots of yogurt on the shelf are spelled with an H too. My word is it a country wide miss spelling?! I point it out again and then my husband laughs. No, it’s not spelled wrong, it’s suppose to have an H in it. Don’t be daft, in all the years I failed my spelling tests it was never because I forgot to put an h in yogurt. Of course not, apparently when yogurt got to America the h had fallen off. This is what happens when you store your eggs on the shelf instead of in the dairy!

We move on to the milk department. There are so many milks to choose from that I decide to read the labels. Each milk takes the time to actually boast exactly how much milk fat is in each container. Wow, now that’s a new one. Where i come from they boast how little fat is in each one. We pick out milk and I’m struck by a new sense of awe as I see that the cream is boasting fat contents too. ‘No less then 18% fat!’

There’s cream so thick that when you tip the container over it doesn’t move. Cream comes in all shapes and sizes here. Thickened, sweetened, and evened whipped. But you won’t find cool-whip on the shelf. Nor will you find a vast variety of creams in aresol cans to spray either. I realize that cream is revered here. It’s on a pedestal far above other dairy products. Clearly eggs are at the bottom of that totem pole.

Next we hit the meat department. My word did I just see kangaroo meat for sale? I can’t decide if I’m grossed out or not. There’s more meat for dogs on display then any dog I’ve ever owned has had the pleasure of smelling. There’s mince with three different levels of fat content to them. Pork chops, chicken, and more sausages then you can shake a fist at. And it all stinks. I mean really stinks like raw meat. I suddenly feel weak and nauseated. I cover my mouth and my nose and attempt to push the shopping cart with my foot.

I discover that all four wheels on the shopping cart can turn in a 360 degree motion. Amazing. If only the blooming cart would go forward instead of sideways. I run into three customers who back away when they see my mouth and nose covered. They presume I have some deathly illness.

I uncover my face long enough to grab the cart and skip the entire meat department. I go straight for the veggies. My husband picks out a few pieces of meat and returns with them wrapped in brown paper.

“Why is it wrapped in brown?”

“What color did you want it to be?”

“I mean, why is it wrapped up?”
“That’s just what the butcher does.”
“The butcher?”

Yes, as it turns out most people buy their meat directly from the butcher. Oh, so how does that smell? Like raw meat. Only you get to see them chopping and cutting the meat and they look at you with great concern when you gasp for air outside their door and give them your order before darting back out the door for more fresh air again. They can’t decide if they should laugh at your behavior or offer to help you.

Produce picking isn’t any easier. Did you know there are like 100 different, or more, varieties of potatoes to choose from? I mean, I knew that, but I’ve never had that kinda choice before. You normally go into the supermarket and you pick what they have which is either red potatoes or Idaho potatoes. Now I have to choose between potatoes with names like Dutch Cream and Kennenbeck. Then you decide if you want potatoes that are fully washed, lightly brushed or still covered in caked on mud. After which you must decide how many kilos you want.

Kilos. Right. Exactly how many pounds is that anyway? You do the math and get confused. You start again.. a kilo is equivalent to two pounds two ounces so if I need five pounds of potatoes.. You give up and grab a bag of potatoes with your eyes closed and hope they’ll do the trick.

You move on to bananas only to pass out when you see that they are more then ten dollars a kilo. Even after the math that’s insane. You suddenly feel the need for a banana right now. You refuse to give in and buy one and you wonder how long you can go without a banana on your morning oatmeal and toast. You wonder if you’ll ever have the pleasure of enjoying another banana and you stare longingly at the yellow fruit.

You move forward and see the cherries are dirt cheap. They are only 5.95 a kilo and even before the math you know that’s a great deal. You load up much to the shock of everyone around you who has plenty of bananas in the carts but no cherries. You smile cheerfully and pick up strawberries which are also pretty cheap at only a couple of dollars.

You move on to watermelon and are shocked to see that all watermelon is sold by the kilo. Good grief, can I return the rind for a refund? What’s a good deal on watermelon. How much is a kilo again? You stop and try to do the math. You give up and throw two large chunks of melon in the cart.

You grab some apples but are highly disappointed to see that they have no fuji apples for sale. What gives with that? If you can buy a New Zealand apple in America why on earth can’t you get one in Australia. You get no farther then New Zealand before a hand is clamped firmly over your mouth and you are ushered to a dark corner of the store. Your husband hisses at you not to mention the name of with the word apples attached. You think he’s gone a bit nutty and you decide this must be discussed further, but clearly from the signs of his stress you must wait until you are home again.

You pretend you fully understand and nod your head. Then you ask where the fuji apples are to which he shrugs. You return to the produce section and decide you’ll get a few oranges while you’re at it. Once done with that you look for romaine lettuce.

You can’t find any. You begin to wonder why, and you look around to see what kind of lettuce everyone else is grabbing up. They’ve taking bags of lettuce so you check the bags out. No way are you paying 5 bucks for a bag of lettuce. That’s insane! You return to the iceberg and spot something called cos. You think it looks decent and you grab it up. You’ll learn, a week later, that cos and romaine are the same kind of lettuce.

You think you are done, but you realize you have no black beans in the cart and you forgot cheese. You husband escorts you to the bean isle. He’s still on edge from the words New Zealand and apples and he’s worried to let you out of his sight. You’re beginning to get a bit creeped out by this behavior but you are soon distracted while you search for black beans.

No luck. You can get any can of baked beans you want. Spicy Indian ones, bbqed baked beans, and original flavor to name a very very small amount. Yet, there are no black beans. You question this theory and get a funny look. Of course there are baked beans what else would you eat for breakfast on your toast. Black beans sound burned and gross. You sigh heavily before you realize he said they eat baked beans for breakfast.

You question this line of thinking. Don’t you ever eat them for a picnic dish? That’s insane why would he do that. Because they are tasty that way and that’s normal, but eating them on toast for breakfast? That seems awfully heavy for a morning meal. Do they do this in New Zealand. Horror struck he looks over his shoulder and a few passerby’s hiss at you.

You move to the cheese case. You can’t find cheddar. Gobs and gobs of something called Tasty Cheese. you begin to think Australians are slightly conceded to call their cheese tasty. I mean shouldn’t you get to try it before someone deems it such?

You ask your husband what kind of cheese he normally use to buy. He didn’t. Cheese wasn’t his thing. Mm.. but what if you wanted a sandwich with cheese on it what would you buy? Tasty. Really? Is it tasty? I mean what makes it tasty, and what exactly does it taste like anyway? He doesn’t know, it’s just what he bought if he had the need. Interesting.

You inspect the package a bit more and discover that some of the fancier ones dub it tasty cheese but write in fine print that it’s cheddar. Oo, you agree cheddar is tasty cheese, but shouldn’t they say how old this cheese is? He points out the expirey date. I point out I mean I want to know if it’s sharp or not. They don’t put sharp objects in cheese, I consider whacking him with a brick of it. I decide there are too many witnesses. I make my cheese selection and throw it in the cart.

You remember you need bread and you spend ten hours looking for the bread isle. You discover there is no whole wheat bread but something called WholeMeal. You decide it will have to do and try to decide which loaf is best. When you finally choose one your husband points out that most people just grab a fresh loaf from the bakery. So you amble over to the bakery and try to pick out another loaf when he says that he meant the bakery on the corner. You pretend you understood and you stop yourself from whacking him with the flimsy loaf of wholemeal bread you’re holding.

We decide to pick up a pail of ice cream on our way out. I’m disappointed that with the amount of creams this country can offer there are very few flavors of ice cream to choose from. I’m horrified that they are over 5 dollars a container too. We decide that, despite the price, we’ll splurge on a container anyway. The kids will be overjoyed.

You pick something that looks decent and is suppose to be a top notch brand. You throw it in your cart and make your way to the exits. You pay for your groceries and are startled by the high price of your total. Your husband isn’t and you wonder if he was paying attention or not.

You go home unload all your groceries and fix dinner. You decide it will be sandwiches because it’s quick and simple and you’re tired. You pull out that loaf of bread that took two hours to select once you finally located the bakery that was on the corner.

You try the cheese and find that it’s not very aged but it will suffice. The mayonnaise is hideously sweet, and you are grossed out by it. The cos lettuce isn’t bad, and the watermelon is delicious.

The kids beg for ice cream so you break it open. You scoop up a large scoop of vanilla ice cream (chocolate wasn’t available..) for everyone and you dig in. For a country with cream as high in fat as they boast their ice cream is pretty icky. It’s got ice lumps in it and you can’t believe you just paid 6 bucks for this container of it. Then you see the instructions on the side of the box. Best if left to soften for 10 minutes first.

But if I wanted soft warm ice cream wouldn’t I just drink milk? Probably not because the gang has all ready downed 2 of the 3 liters you’ve purchased at a horrific price. You decide you’ll need to invest in a cow in order to have enough milk, and the added bonus is you’ll be able to make your own ice cream.

You decide to discuss the New Zealand topic, but your husband rushes around the house closing windows and pulling the blinds shut before he’ll even allow you to utter another word about them. You think he’s making a big fuss for nothing. I mean it’s only New Zealand right? Then he says on word which brings full comprehension down on me, “Canada.” I helped him fasten the blinds.

1 comment:

Diane said...

Very, very funny!