Sunday, March 8, 2009

She is Women hear her..

SCREAM!  So two nights ago I'd tucked the kids into bed and decided I'd finally watch the video Morgan had given me for Christmas, after all he's ALWAYS asking if I've watched it yet or not. I just settled in when I saw a blur out of the corner of my eye.
I knew what the blur was, but considering it retreated I wasn't sold. I tried to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. My eyes were surely crossing from the embroidery I was working on. Anything, but.. Then it came back again, and this time it didn't stop. It ran full speed ahead right behind the chair I was in. I SCREAMED. I jumped out of the chair and landed in a beanbag somewhere in the middle of the room. Amazingly I was still gripping my cross-stitch. I'm standing there, attempting not to scream again, after all the kids are in bed and my husband is safely tucked away on the mainland, 100% oblivious to my current situation. What am I going to do?

That's when I heard the snoring. Our charming family dog was in the office (adjoining to the room I was in) sleeping on a freshly laundered beanbag, snoring. I, being the only one still using common sense, screamed for him to come into the rumpus room at once. He obliged, mostly likely presuming I'd have a treat for him. SUCKER! He sat there patiently next to me assessing the situation and clearly stating, "Freakish women is at it again!" As if I always stand on bean bag chairs screaming obsessively about catching small rodents running around my house. No, I normally reserve that privilege to the kitchen counters, but that's another tale all together..

Upon seeing the dog is going to be no help at all, and unless my husband has learned how Scotty did that fancy "beaming up" trick, I realized I was totally alone. That's when it hits me I have two options. Stay on the beanbag and risk the mouse coming out to laugh at me as well as the dog, or I can fight back. Thankfully my kids are notoriously messy, and there were plenty of lego around. I grabbed a few and asked the dog if he wanted them.

The dog knows he's not permitted to chew on things unless they are his, to which he's pushed the boundaries by claiming his feet and bed are his so he's 100% within his realm to chew them. Again, the dog has issues, and they might require therapy. However, it's the mouse this story is about.. Again, I ask the dog if he wants them, attempting with all my might to sound calm and normal. Don't ask me how anyone sounds calm when offering their children's prized lego to a dog!

I then proceeded to hurl the lego the 6 feet across the room and over the back of the chair I'd been in. Now, it's not the fact that the mouse might opt to live in the chair. Truly it wouldn't have been a big issue. The chair cost me a dollar at the local recycling store. Yes, for real. I bought a matching one just like it for an additional dollar too. The chairs are red, and falling apart, in fact any day now the arm of the one I sit in will indeed fall off, perhaps I can prop it up on the base for a recliner, but I digress..

The dog watches me hurl the lego and somewhere in his pea sized brain figures I really DO have a treat. Never mind he SAW me scoop them up. He even sniffed my hand and new it was plastic, but he didn't care. His ears went right up and he ran to the chair to have a sniff around. He turns to look at me, and I attempt in a calm voice to say, "That's right Buster, you go ahead and get that lego. You might even find a better morsel back there as well!"

It was the world morsel. Our dog is so not into fancy. Gourmet? Not him. He'd rather eat grapes out of a baggie then cold shepherd's pie. Okay, so I might be off, but our dog is truly obsessed with grapes. Grapes are not safe around him. He has two weaknesses. Grapes and Chocolate. Don't lecture me on the chocolate, it's truly carob, but if I tell him he might snub it, and since I'm stocked up until next year..

Either way, the dog came back to me. I decided he was clearly scatter brained and I just had to persuade him a bit more. So I get the courage to put my precious cross-stitch on top of the tv. I refuse to turn off the movie I am now missing, and think a main character might have died. This isn't important, surely in the end I can sort it all out, right? I climb off the bean bag and attempt to remove it from the room. After all if the mouse comes after me, fists raised, teeth barred, I'm running for it, and the kids will have to look in town for me when they wake up!

I managed to convince the dog I had more treats and to follow me, then I nudge the basket next to my chair. Nothing seems to move, and I managed to snag my cell phone. At which point I figure maybe my husband does know Scotty and perhaps he can morph home. I send him a quick message telling him I'm 100% freaked out (I'd be more freaked out if it were possible!) and that there's a mouse on the loose. His reply? "Oh, where are you?"

Where in the world do you think I am? I'm cowering for cover behind the half door that separates me from the mouse. I've grabbed the dog because he's too stupid to save himself, and the kids are in bed. However, I've lost sight of the mouse and I don't know where he is, do you think he's snuck off to hide in my bed and leap out at me when I least expect it? You know how much I despised being scared when I'm sleepy!

Because this is all text messaging he can laugh and I won't know... I return to the problem at hand realizing my husband has no idea who Scotty is and isn't about to be morphed. Exactly what good is it to be a total "computer geek" if you can't morph yourself home when there's a mouse around???

That's when common sense returns and I realize if I move the chair the dog can get back there to find his treats, and hopefully dispose of the creature that is surely lurking. I hold my breath and nudge the chair with my foot. After all the mouse needs fair warning that I'm sending in recruits, right? There's no movement from under the chair. That's odd, I think. Has he hunkered down IN the chair?

I move the chair a bit more. The dog presumes I'm rearranging again and goes back to his beanbag and is heard snoring within minutes! How on earth can anything snore at a time like this?? I demand he wake up and quit sleeping on the job. Has he never heard of dogs who actually guard their humans? He's oblivious, even when I mention the likes of Hank The Cowdog, who would have never left me in such a predicament! 

He sniffs the chair, but won't go behind it. Am I to believe there's an entire army back there? I then decide the best thing to do is grab my stuff and run for it. I managed to save my MacBook and Palm before running for the bathroom. I mean everyone's safe in there, how can I possibly go wrong!?

I even made it to my bedroom, where I made the dog sleep to stand guard. He did a horrible job. I found mouse debris in my closet, the following morning. The dog didn't seem to care that I was ticked. After all he was fully rested and willing to go chase a few rabbits if I'd be so kind as to take him to the beach. Was he nuts? Take him to the beach? We had a house to save! Children live here, and more importantly I was scared clear out of my socks!!

I informed the boys we had new rules, which aren't really new rules I was simply readvising them of old rules. However, because I said "New" they listened. No food in the rumpus, no trash from food left laying around, keep the pantry closed at ALL times, and pick up pet food at night. They weren't fooled. They knew there was a mouse on the loose. They asked if mice had shiny sharp needles swords like Despereaux.  Am I truly the only sane person left in the world?!

After three stores I can't find a single mouse trap I want, so i settle for one that will not take my fingers off. After all i reason that poison is far less humane because i want the rodent gone NOW not tomorrow. I am officially dubbed insane, but I didn't ask the dog for his opinion since he can't be of any REAL help when I need it.

The kids and I scowered the Rumpus Room. They are instructed that all toys are to be PUT AWAY tonight, or else. I remove everything but my chair from my corner. I figure if the mouse one-ups me again I'm at least going to figure out where he disappeared to. So help me if the brigade of stuffed animals is on his side...

I set the trap, and like a wiser person then my dog, I use peanut butter. Cheese is only for the movies. If you want to insure the mouse is going to set the trap off you use peanut butter. I considering what it's costing me to spare a drop of peanut butter since I'm down to my last container, but I remember that this is all for the greater good. Someday, maybe Scotty can buy me a jar or two when he explains the whole "beam me up" thing to my husband, in the mean time it's me against the mouse!

I set the trap in the closet I'm convinced the rodent is lurking in. The only fully unfinished closet in the house. The one that heats up like a sauna every time someone leaves it open and it's more then 9 outside. The same closet that completely creeps me out each time I see it. However, I figure if it's me or the mouse, I'll open the closet. I'm taken aback when I see a black toy lurking and I considering screaming before I realize my five year old is watching me. I can't scream, he'd mock me for the rest of my life!

I put the trap down and instruct the kids to stay away. I point out that the peanut butter is not for them, and if they feel that desperate they should return to the kitchen and eat some straight from the jar. The only one who goes to the kitchen is the dog. Thank goodness he doesn't have opposable thumbs!

I decide that I'm going to bed when the kids to go to bed. After all, if the mouse is on the loose and I don't see it I can pretend it's not there, right? I force a very confused dog to spend another night with me, he's killing my allergies, but it's all worth it, right? I bunker down under the covers and decide to do a bit of light reading. An hour later I hear a snap, and I pretend the dog is cracking his knuckles, he can do this, right?

In the morning I check the trap, my five year old refusing to be left behind wants to know if it worked. It did. I start happy dancing downstairs to breakfast to share the good news with my husband who is, I might add, still safely stowed away on the mainland. Then reality hits, I still have to clean the nasty little thing up.

I spent two hours psyching myself up for it. I made the kids get me the biggest shovel they can find. My five year old swears he's not scared and that he'll come along for moral support. I insist that I can do this alone, but who am I kidding I was totally quaking in my boots! He stands there watching me. I jump up and down screaming while I'm trying to dispose of the whole thing.

My eight year old is staring out a window so he doesn't have to see, and we hear him say, "Is it alive?" I scream and drop it before I realize he's only asking, not stating. I try again, with my five year old saying things like, "Don't worry Mom I can do it for you! I'm not at all frightened. Do you want me to carry the shovel?"

Upon finally scooping the dreaded beast up, who, as it turns out, is slightly smaller then a kiwi (not including it's tail) my five year old ran from the closet.. "Not because I'm scared, I just thought I'd open the door for you!" You keep telling yourself that buddy!

And where was the dog? Sitting by his food bowl, expectantly waiting. For what I've no idea, but he and I might have to enroll in therapy tomorrow to get over this entire ordeal. The mouse might be gone, but  I don't know if I can ever look at my beloved, well worn, crumbling, filthy red chair the same again.. Plus, I think the dog needs to get his snoring checked out!

1 comment:

Ruthanne said...

I come over from the FIAR boards (just read, don't post so I-know-you-but-you-don't-know-me)to give you a big old ATTA GRIL Kendra!!

4 years ago after my mom died, my sisters & I had to clean out the basement of their farmhouse. I had to make them promise they'd buy me a milkshake for every mouse carcass I disposed of. Thankfully there were only 2 and no live ones!! I FELL YOUR PAIN!!