Tuesday, March 10, 2009

It's Official

We've been invaded by a mouse army carrying small pointy needle type swords! How does this happen? Do they plan in the poppy field all summer long? What's their objective? To take over my home and get all the peanut butter they want? 

Where exactly do they get all the sharp pointy needles anyway?? Wait, I recall dropping an entire container of needles earlier this summer. It was very suspicious that I only retrieved a handful of them. All this time I was blaming the Borrowers, I should have known better. CURSE YOU DESPEREAUX! 

Why did I ever read that book OUTLOUD? Wait, I rephrase, we listened to that book. In the car. With the windows down. All over town. That means every mouse from here to the sea and back again heard. In all fairness I'm a stone's throw away from the sea, perhaps I should have been more specific, every mouse from the sea to the mountains has heard it now. They must think we're strong supporters. What have I done!! 

There's only one thing left to do. Ban soup! Which is a total pity I was really looking forward to Leek and Potato soup this winter! Perhaps a more reasonable approach would be to obtain a mean and feisty cat!

Yes, I'll sneak out and catnap the neighbor's cat. I will feed him better, permit him to sleep in a warm cozy closet, and I''ll stop embarssing the poor boy by calling him Molly. Henceforth I will rename him Arnold. Oh stop laughing!!  I figure if he has a tough name (think Schwarzenegger) he'll feel brave enough to tackle the secret army of mice living in my home! Mind you, if I see the cat walking around with a gun, I'm going to have to refer to him as Molly and send him home.

Plus, I'm not entirely sure my allergies are on board with this idea. My nose has just finally stopped being bleeding since I sent the dog back to his own room-- two nights ago! You'd think, honestly, with a dog I'd be in the clear, but where is my dog? Snoring! I think it's all a big smoke screen with him.

He's just biding his time. It's a ploy. The dog is on the side of the mice! Why? Why would my dog plot with the mice?? For one thing he's easily persuaded to do anything with a drop of chocolate. All those mice had to do was sneak into the freezer, steal my delicious organic chocolate and bribe the dog. However, I think the dog schemed the whole thing up on his own! That's right, he stole the needles, and armed the mice. One word people, one word. Cat. If we won't settle for getting him a playmate of his own species, he'll gladly except a cat to play with. Only, it better be one quick footed cat, because our dog has serious issues with cats. Did I mention he might need therapy? 

Maybe I can call a truce! I'll offer the mice a jug of peanut butter, which I can toss over the fence weekly. I've still got a jug of crunchy in there which Jayden refuses to eat because "it has nuts in it. I do not eat peanut butter with NUTS in it Mom!" No, I think the best thing to do is throw caution to the wind and jump on the next plane headed for the mainland!

No comments: